last night i dreamed about mixing paint colors.

just about every other backyard has a trampoline in it, so i decided that i want to take pictures of them all - started today. i started a set called spring and trampolines. everything is getting more and more beautiful with everyday.

make a list of the things you love. give yourself a set amount of time or a set amount of page to fill, and write and write and write uninhibited, w/o editing, the things you love. life is for living and loving...

walking towards Kungsträdgården, looking for the blossoming trees, i didn't see anything right away. but then i noticed a huge crowd. i thought there might be a performance going on or something. so i walked over there and figured out that the excitement was: the water in the fountain, the blossoming trees, and the bright sun. people gathered just to sit there and eat ice cream. i'm not sure if they are dogwood or cherry blossoms. i took around two hundred thousand pictures.





the sun is going down around 8:30 nowadays.

i'm laughing right now about last night's subway janitor on his floor cleaning machine stuck at an angle between walls, facing the corner, honking his horn. maybe the walls would move if you honk long enough. i wish i had it on video. but it was a shared moment! some things are funny because of the way you explain them. other funny things can't be described and still be funny. i really miss my brother.

i had to move out of my apartment on monday because the father of the children is home for two weeks or so. super last minute notification. i didn't find out until late late saturday night. but it's cool - i moved in with Sharon.. the kids are up with him. vaction lifestyle. the apartment feels like a vacation. and Sharon's feels like a vacation from the apartment.. with company and more groceries. yesterday was such a holiday: breakfast with flickr, 2 hour walk in the woods, nap in the backyard, bath, and met S. downtown to see Temelia play at a club. i love the way she sings.


something else:


last week i went with my sister and her girls to a gospel concert w/Andrae Crouch. he is actually one of the reason's i exist. my dad toured with Andrae here in the 70s - which is how he met my mom. Bill Maxwell (a really great drummer) explained to me that my dad was the first of the tour casualties (falling in love). also there was Per Erik Hallin, whose lap i sat on, playing piano in one of my earliest memories. he's like sweden's Elton John. my favorite wasAnders Widmark. it was a great night, reminding me how much i love really good live music.. the really good stuff. i wish my dad could've been here.

i turned in my portfolio to kkh, and on May 13th we'll find out if i get in. pray!

my return flight ticket date has come and gone. i don't know when i'll go back.. and if i do, it might just be to visit. i have my nanny job through the summer. hoping to travel some: most likely london to visit loe and a long lost friend. also france, to stay at a cousin's flat. jess is coming at the end of june! can't wait! another jess is coming in september! rumors have been told that my sister Helen might visit the end of august. al is coming at some point as well, dates TBD. all of that was out of order. i wonder when philip starts his job in paris..


the days are getting longer. the skies have been clear and bright. things are growing out of the ground on their own. Sharon mentioned there are dogwood blossoms downtown, so i'm going to go find them.

play

my paintings arrived just in time! i take them to kkh tomorrow!

bragging rights-
this is my cousin Philip. he's the head video editor / program designer of Sweden's national culture program. it's called Kobra. he decides what things will look like and tells people what to do. it's super high style well done. you can watch the episodes here. it's in Swedish, so you might not understand it - but it's hot for looking at. actually, there tends to be a lot of English mixed in. great content, well produced, and every once in a while i see other cousins snuck into shots :)

esther pearl watson




mark todd

i just got an email from these two telling that KCET did an interview w/them about their zines. watch it!

motivation





i love love love the ball point pen drawings from james jean's sketchbooks. his site used to have a huge section full of his illustrations - but now some of it you can find on his blog, called process/recess. he also has a collaborative site with kenichi hoshine called a polite winter.

dear internet and loved ones,
i don't know how many people read this.. but it has been brought to my attention that my comment settings were so that only blogger members could post them (thank you johelh). i had no idea! it's fixed now so anyone can leave them. we'll see if that changes anything.

"i could be nice to be alive..."

and it really is..
each day is a new one.
one day at a time,

embracing what i've been given..

it doesn't constantly hit me how great this chapter of my life is - to be able to really rest. really rest. at first it was easy - but then for a while it became uncomfortable to really rest.. having the time to process the last couple years. facing the damage. in addition, free time is hard when i was so used to my old hyped up schedule - when i never felt like i was producing or doing enough - too much and never enough at the same time - a human doing rather than a human being. the constant pressure i put on myself w o r k e d.. i functioned. i made it work, but it wasn't healthy. i wonder how long i could've lasted the way things were going.. but change happened! i was rescued and thrown into my new restoration chapter. or, not really thrown, but more plucked up, and gently plopped. and i'm not the one doing the restoration anymore! but being restored. unwinding. defragmenting. a solitude retreat. letting go. within the last couple weeks, i've been feeling more like myself than i have in 4.5 years. it's been a long time...

today i remembered back two years ago when talking with a friend about how awesome it would be to go away for two months or maybe more to a monastery in the middle of nowhere and just be quiet and do nothing. i longed for it - knowing i needed something like that, but not doing anything about it. i longed for the middle of nowhere. i longed for wild fields and woods that weren't landscaped by people. and that's exactly what i have r i g h t n o w ! but it's even better than the middle of nowhere, because instead of having to jump back into everything that was going on before, i get to gradually make a new start here, feeling things out, finding niches and people to love.

reading through my few random blog posts on myspace - it is clearer and clearer how faithful God is. - seeing how he prepared me for what was coming. He sees the whole picture. and times will suck, but i am not alone.

"keep it positive as painstaking as it is
i'll never turn back 'cause that's the way I've got to live"

attitude and perspective effect e v e r y t h i n g.

around the time i tested out of high school and hopped into college, i started developing a life theory called appreciate everything. appreciate everything you can, both good and bad. roll with the punches. find the good that there is in each situation - because there is some - and realize the good things that can only come through the shit. also, being able to see how much sweeter the the good things are, having shit to compare it to!

“And how could we endure to live and let time pass if we were always crying for one day or one year to come back – if we did not know that every day in a life fills the whole life with expectation and memory and that these are that day?” -c.s.lewis, out of the silent planet

i wasn't able to hold onto this idea the whole time. it was lost for a long time. i remembered the idea, but i couldn't use it. my heart was broken - and in multiple ways. my spirit was tattered. i missed who i used to be. i missed that posi girl who never stressed out over anything and enjoyed everything she could. i never let go of God, but being fragile, i couldn't always pull very hard. and He was gentle, - holding my heart like a little ball of dough, knowing how to hold it, knowing how to touch it in the gentlest way. knowing how much i can take, and what was to come.

looking back at the last six months i was home, it's really easy for me to remember all the personal victories, team victories, and inside jokes. i think about the people with whom i bonded and the things they taught me. on the other hand, it's really hard for me to remember that last summer i was having nervous break downs like clockwork every 1.5 weeks. alone. i'm not saying that i want to hold onto the pain, but i don't want to forget what i've been through - parts really did suck - and i have been delivered!

i can't stop singing..
it's ridiculous.

refreshed and renewed.
embracing this what i've been given.

i have time to do all the things people complain that they don't have time to do - and i don't HAVE to do them either. i don't have any money, but if i did, i wouldn't be in this mode - i would be distracted.

last night i met a new friend for coffee. three hours flew by while we were talking, and it was so nice to leave feeling like there was so much more to talk about. i left feeling encouraged and inspired in new unexpected ways.

it's really interesting to learn more about difference between the culture, values, attitude and perspective - my hometown vs. my motherland. more later.

wealth is in how many opportunities you have.
true security can only be found in Christ.

right now i am overwhelmed by both.

i'm sorry to the people who have had to listen to me repeat parts of these ideas over and over - maybe thinking "yeah yeah. good for you".. especially if for you times are not so hot right now. but i HAVE to tell you - that God is real, and He knows you better than you know yourself. things are not as they seem. He is bigger than anything you understand. He never changes. He knows the future. He WANTS you. He is your long lost true love, who you will never be complete w/o. He is the only one who can fill your holes. there is no promise that life will be easy - but He does offer life to the fullest, peace that surpasses all understanding, and healing that only He can perform, purpose, and identity.


ps: you've scored points if you picked up the beastie boys references without looking them up.

Sean Cheetham is one of the reasons i was headed toward Art Center.

nik has been asking for french toast for a while, so tonight i made him some. i thought i was doing a pretty awesome job - cinnamon and vanilla sugar... maple syrup on hand. apparently not awesome enough. he comes down and smothers everything with peanut butter and nutella spread. dinner of champions.

these are by natalie reis.

i love love love Tiffany Bozic's work..

i like this. found on flickr - goes by .A.R.K..

Dennis Hayes IV