dear internet and loved ones,
i don't know how many people read this.. but it has been brought to my attention that my comment settings were so that only blogger members could post them (thank you johelh). i had no idea! it's fixed now so anyone can leave them. we'll see if that changes anything.

"i could be nice to be alive..."

and it really is..
each day is a new one.
one day at a time,

embracing what i've been given..

it doesn't constantly hit me how great this chapter of my life is - to be able to really rest. really rest. at first it was easy - but then for a while it became uncomfortable to really rest.. having the time to process the last couple years. facing the damage. in addition, free time is hard when i was so used to my old hyped up schedule - when i never felt like i was producing or doing enough - too much and never enough at the same time - a human doing rather than a human being. the constant pressure i put on myself w o r k e d.. i functioned. i made it work, but it wasn't healthy. i wonder how long i could've lasted the way things were going.. but change happened! i was rescued and thrown into my new restoration chapter. or, not really thrown, but more plucked up, and gently plopped. and i'm not the one doing the restoration anymore! but being restored. unwinding. defragmenting. a solitude retreat. letting go. within the last couple weeks, i've been feeling more like myself than i have in 4.5 years. it's been a long time...

today i remembered back two years ago when talking with a friend about how awesome it would be to go away for two months or maybe more to a monastery in the middle of nowhere and just be quiet and do nothing. i longed for it - knowing i needed something like that, but not doing anything about it. i longed for the middle of nowhere. i longed for wild fields and woods that weren't landscaped by people. and that's exactly what i have r i g h t n o w ! but it's even better than the middle of nowhere, because instead of having to jump back into everything that was going on before, i get to gradually make a new start here, feeling things out, finding niches and people to love.

reading through my few random blog posts on myspace - it is clearer and clearer how faithful God is. - seeing how he prepared me for what was coming. He sees the whole picture. and times will suck, but i am not alone.

"keep it positive as painstaking as it is
i'll never turn back 'cause that's the way I've got to live"

attitude and perspective effect e v e r y t h i n g.

around the time i tested out of high school and hopped into college, i started developing a life theory called appreciate everything. appreciate everything you can, both good and bad. roll with the punches. find the good that there is in each situation - because there is some - and realize the good things that can only come through the shit. also, being able to see how much sweeter the the good things are, having shit to compare it to!

“And how could we endure to live and let time pass if we were always crying for one day or one year to come back – if we did not know that every day in a life fills the whole life with expectation and memory and that these are that day?” -c.s.lewis, out of the silent planet

i wasn't able to hold onto this idea the whole time. it was lost for a long time. i remembered the idea, but i couldn't use it. my heart was broken - and in multiple ways. my spirit was tattered. i missed who i used to be. i missed that posi girl who never stressed out over anything and enjoyed everything she could. i never let go of God, but being fragile, i couldn't always pull very hard. and He was gentle, - holding my heart like a little ball of dough, knowing how to hold it, knowing how to touch it in the gentlest way. knowing how much i can take, and what was to come.

looking back at the last six months i was home, it's really easy for me to remember all the personal victories, team victories, and inside jokes. i think about the people with whom i bonded and the things they taught me. on the other hand, it's really hard for me to remember that last summer i was having nervous break downs like clockwork every 1.5 weeks. alone. i'm not saying that i want to hold onto the pain, but i don't want to forget what i've been through - parts really did suck - and i have been delivered!

i can't stop singing..
it's ridiculous.

refreshed and renewed.
embracing this what i've been given.

i have time to do all the things people complain that they don't have time to do - and i don't HAVE to do them either. i don't have any money, but if i did, i wouldn't be in this mode - i would be distracted.

last night i met a new friend for coffee. three hours flew by while we were talking, and it was so nice to leave feeling like there was so much more to talk about. i left feeling encouraged and inspired in new unexpected ways.

it's really interesting to learn more about difference between the culture, values, attitude and perspective - my hometown vs. my motherland. more later.

wealth is in how many opportunities you have.
true security can only be found in Christ.

right now i am overwhelmed by both.

i'm sorry to the people who have had to listen to me repeat parts of these ideas over and over - maybe thinking "yeah yeah. good for you".. especially if for you times are not so hot right now. but i HAVE to tell you - that God is real, and He knows you better than you know yourself. things are not as they seem. He is bigger than anything you understand. He never changes. He knows the future. He WANTS you. He is your long lost true love, who you will never be complete w/o. He is the only one who can fill your holes. there is no promise that life will be easy - but He does offer life to the fullest, peace that surpasses all understanding, and healing that only He can perform, purpose, and identity.


ps: you've scored points if you picked up the beastie boys references without looking them up.